9th
death v. taxes : go death!
It is no surprise to anyone who has ever met me, but I have zero aptitude for math, and even less interest. Many people get a sense of satisfaction from making numbered lists or balancing their checkbooks, or creating a budget. They have a sense of accomplishment. Or so I’m told. I don’t. I not only get no satisfaction from a well-balanced checkbook or a budget but I’m offended by the entire process. I detest the whole bloody situation and resent having to do it. I am convinced that there are people who have figured out how to get away with NOT doing these things. I need to find these people and make them tell me everything they know.
Obviously tax-time is no exception. I send everything to my parents accountant and don’t give it a second thought. People who do their own taxes are just showing off. You know they don’t enjoy it. It’s not very costly to have someone else do it, and it takes loads of time that could be better spent sleeping or watching tv or talking on the phone or on facebook. Those are the same sort who get up at 5 am to go to the gym. Why do you people hate yourselves?
I was reminded that it was tax-time last night by my friends Alex and Claire who, mid-drinking session, remembered that they hadn’t done their taxes. As is my wont, I sprang into action to help. I made a tax form for Alex on a napkin, and one for Claire on the back of a paper menu. (We were at a sports bar watching the Red Sox.) As the Sox were getting trounced, I suggested we ought to get this done immediately. Alex filled his out as a Somali Pirate. I helped Claire fill hers out as the table of shirtsleeved i-bankers drinking loudly next to us.
Alex and Claire both said they’d file the next day, and I left feeling deeply satisfied that i’d helped my friends. Sometimes it’s hard being an unsung hero, but I have the comforting knowledge that I have once again not only helped friends in need, but also avoided doing any actual math in the process. I’ll die before I do my own taxes. Really. If given the option right now by the taxman, I wouldn’t even have to think about it. Death, where do I sign up?
