6th
It’s not crashing if you’re in the wedding
Jeremy Grey: Grab that net and catch that beautiful butterfly, pal! What do you like better, Christmas or Wedding Season?
John Beckwith: Mr. Grey?
Jeremy Grey: Yes. The answer would be, um, Wedding Season?
John Beckwith: Bingo! I’m gonna get my suit. Now who are we this time?
The thing is, I really like weddings. I think its weird when people dont…what part can you object to? Getting dressed up in your best clothes and looking good? Drinking oceans of free champagne? Dancing in public to songs you can otherwise only secretly sing along to in your car? Going someplace new? Meeting new people who are friends with your friends but live somewhere else so you don’t know them already, and thats obviously the only reason, ‘cause they’re clearly the most fun person in the entire city of Seattle or Santa Fe or Houston or Miami or wherever? Do people just hate fun? Hate America? Hate Freedom?
Rule #6: Do not sit in the corner and sulk. It draws attention in a negative way. Draw attention to yourself, but on your own terms.
I was in a wedding this weekend, which is much better than even just being a guest. Its like it’s your wedding, but you dont have to do much other than not fall down or hiccup or sneeze during the ceremony, and you don’t have to deal with any prim elderly relatives or drunken uncles or estranged cousins. All of the fun, none of the stress. You don’t even have to worry about what to wear- your uniform has been chosen for you. Your ONLY jobs are to show up and not make any long rambling unfunny toasts and make sure you are not too drunk to untangle the bride’s veil when it becomes ensnared in her jewlery/shrubbery/the groom’s tux.
Rule #76: No excuses. Play like a champion.
So I don’t want to hear any more whining about “having to go to/be in a wedding” from any of you. I mean it. Your friend has been kind enough to shell out $300 or whatever for you to eat overpriced food and drink champagne on his/her dime. They invited you ‘cause they like you and they think you’re fun. So man up, you idiot, and go and BE fun! Drink champagne before, during, and after dinner. Take your jacket/heels off on the dance floor. Hell, dance to “Build me up, Buttercup” and “Twist and Shout” and as much Journey, vintage Madonna and Michael Jackson as you want! You’re SUPPOSED TO.
As if that’s not enough you selfish bastard, you’ll probably get some sort of tangible reward as well. Anything from a sneaked cigarette with someone in the wedding party during the toasts, to stolen kisses from out-of-towners you’ll probably never see again. At the very minimum, you’ll get a story. I was once in a wedding where we all went swimming in the ocean after the reception, when out of the blue the Groom picked up something that bit his foot in the shallow surf- it was a CRAB. He caught a crab on his wedding night- the jokes write themselves here people!
So basically what I’m saying is, invite me to your wedding. I’ll go if i possibly can. I will dress up, drink, dance, and give a funny toast. I’ll eat foods I hate without complaint (bring on the rare lamb and raw tomatoes). I’ll drink not-so-chilled champagne. I promise not to tell anyone why so-and-so missed his/her flight the next morning. What happens at the wedding stays at the wedding. I’ll bring my A-game. I’ll give 110%. I’ll be in it to win it. I’ll make up new sports metaphors.
In the words of the immortal Jeremy Grey: we’re all one. That separateness is an illusion, and that I’m one with everyone - with the Prime Minister of England, and my cousin Harry, you and me, the fat kid from ‘What’s Happening,’ the Olsen twins, Natalie Portman, the guy who wrote ‘Catcher in the Rye,’ Nat King Cole, Carrot Top, Jay-Z, Weird Al Yankovic, Harry Potter, if he existed, the whore on the street corner, your mother. We’re all one.
Lets get married!
